Still Don't Understand
by Impersonating-an-entity
Summary: Angst fest, rated for death, shonenai, mentions of gay sex. 3rd person, LeeXGaaraXNaruto. Gaara still doesn't understand love, and it used to be so wonderful but now it's killing him.


Gaara still didn't understand it.

He was in the middle of it, yet the concept; the hows, the whys, and so forth, still eluded his grasp, like the desert sand in any hands but his own.

Love… it was so strange. Powerful, inexplicable, there. He could feel it: was surrounded in its warmth when Lee held him, was filled with its passion when Naruto lay with him

And that, within that strange and omnipotent emotion, there should be further distinctions, and confusions. That such a sublime feeling could cause such a deep pain that could make someone kill himself, or wish to.

That in this world where he thought he was utterly forsaken, four people could love him, truly love him.

The first two, they caused no problem. His brother Kankurou and sister Temari. That was a different kind of love, he learned, a familial love. They were a true family, not what he'd long ago presumed 'family' to be – hunks of meat connected by hate and murderous intent. They looked out for him, talked to him, protected him when they could. In return, he guarded them with the same ferocity, though he wasn't as loud about it, and tried to talk to them, tried to open himself up to them because he knew they wanted it, knew they thought they could help him better that way. He didn't understand it but when he could handle the pain of his memories, he would tell them, when he could find words and voice them in his quiet, secretive tones he would share them.

He loved Temari and Kankurou, but it was a different kind of love – still confusing but less so. He loved them the same way, though there were different things about them he loved them for.

The other two who loved him (and whom he loved) were Naruto and Lee. That was a drastically different type of love, though he loved the two nin much the same. There was a slight difference in the way he loved the two, but the strength, the desires and needs were much the same.

He'd loved Naruto first, but at the time, Naruto was with Sakura. Lee had been the first to love him, and to teach him about that kind of love. Lee had been so gentle and breath-takingly kind. Gaara never had to be alone, never had to bear his burden without another pair of hands to help, never sobbed with no one to comfort him once he and Lee were together.

Lee had brushed tears that had waited nine long years, very nearly a decade, away and wrapped him up in arms and warmth and love. Lee had kissed him till he wasn't afraid, till he could grip reality with both hands and know that he was Gaara, not Shukaku, that he was not alone, that the village of Konoha did not fear his very existence like Suna, that he need no longer fear for his life or kill to see that he existed. With Lee, Gaara could have no doubts or lasting pain, no fear or uncertainty.

Lee had cupped the heart Gaara had been struggling to awaken since Naruto had first explained love to him, and the green beast had breathed life into it. For all the desert sun's heat, Gaara had been ice cold, and Lee had rubbed his shaking limbs and held him till he was made warm and new and beautiful.

And Gaara could do nothing but smile that humble bit of his, his eyes shining like moons, and touch Lee softly, modestly, grateful to have someone touch him like they loved him and returning the favor as best he could, though he'd spent too long alone and no longer knew or had any instinct of what to do.

Lee hadn't minded – he could see how Gaara tried, and he could see that light in the suna-nin's eyes, and he never asked for anything more, never wanted more than Gaara willingly gave him.

And for that, Gaara had loved him, and he had pushed away the small part of him that still wanted to be with Naruto because Naruto could understand him in ways Lee never could, for all his warmth and sympathy and hope.

And then, some weeks after Naruto and Sakura had broken up Naruto had come to Gaara and told him. He had said that Sakura-chan had been right when she explained why she was breaking up with him – he loved Gaara.

Gaara had been shocked, and confused. His heart, so newly awakened and new and confused nearly rent itself in to. Emotionally, Gaara was little better off than a child, and the strength of his emotions and strangeness and confliction of them might have driven him to insanity if he had not already been a little insane already.

He had fled, to everyone's horror and amazement. They had searched for him, and luckily it was Temari and Kankurou who found him, shivering in small niche formed by rocks that was barely big enough for him to tuck even his relatively small frame into. He was half-starved and crazed again, but in drastically different way, sick and frozen to the bone from exposure, unaware of his surroundings, trapped within his mind, his hands clutching his head tightly as headaches, memories, thoughts, and pain shot through his skull in erratic waves, forcing him to lose his awareness of reality once again.

Temari and Kankurou had carried him home and brought him to Tsunade-sama, forcing both Naruto and Lee to leave him alone, for they had been able to gather enough information to see that somehow or another Gaara's pain stemmed from them. Gaara had been all but locked up for the better part of six months, regaining his grip again and taking his time deciding what to do with himself now. Temari and Kankurou had insisted Naruto and Lee not visit him until asked for, but both sent him things to try and cheer him up. Finally, Lee had forced his way through, though. He knew what was wrong and he wanted Gaara to be happy and as close to sane as he could, no matter what the cause.

Gaara had been relieved and afraid to see Lee. He longed for Lee, too, longed to go back to before when Lee would make everything better for him, but now, with his indecision between Lee and Naruto, he didn't dare ask such a thing.

Lee had brushed away gritty tears again, and told Gaara he understood. He understood how Gaara felt about Naruto, how he knew Naruto would take care of him and understand him, and he had told Gaara that if he wanted Naruto, then Lee would let him go. Gaara had been so relieved – he had hated to forsake Lee just because Naruto wanted him now, still hated it, but knowing that Lee understood and would bear no ill will over it made it bearable, and Gaara couldn't help but want to be with the person who had suffered like him, whose soul was so similar.

Lee had asked for one last night, asked to comfort Gaara as his lover one last time, and Gaara had agreed readily. The next day, he left his room for the first time in months and Lee gave him away. Naruto had treated him well too, but he was very different from Lee in the way he showed love, and Gaara was still confused. It was so wonderful being with Naruto at last, but there were so many times when Naruto would do little things (or forget little things) that caused Gaara such a potent, immaculate pain. And when he looked in Lee's eyes and so the hurt and desire, it threatened to drive him mad again, and he would want to go back to Lee.

Luckily for all of them, Lee left before things became too difficult. He couldn't take seeing Gaara with Naruto, and though he blamed neither of them, he had to leave. He took a long mission away from Konoha, and when he returned a few months later, Gaara and Naruto had become happy together, and Lee did not hurt so bad to look at them.

However, Naruto was very different from Lee, and because of the demon, there were certain things he wanted more than Lee. Not to kill as Gaara had before… but for Gaara to join his bed. He had wheedled and cajoled but Gaara, despite wanting it too, had denied Naruto the privilege, wanting to wait before he let that happen. He and Lee had not made love for almost a year after they had first become a couple, and Gaara felt that even if he did not wait so long with Naruto, he was not willing to jump the gun, because he remembered that with Lee, after the first time things had been a bit strange and that it made things so much more confusing. He didn't want to have things get so strange and confusing so quickly.

But Naruto was not as patient as Lee. Naruto was more willful, and he had very nearly forced Gaara into bed with him when he'd realized what he was doing and had let Gaara go. Gaara had run to Lee and sought comfort in warm hands that would ask nothing of him, and indeed, Lee hadn't even asked what was wrong, but had merely seen the terror and hurt in Gaara's eyes before dragging the suna-nin into his home and wrapping those familiar arms around him.

Eventually, Gaara had explained and asked if he could stay the night with Lee – his siblings were gone and Gaara couldn't stand to be alone even short periods of time. Lee had obliged, and at some point, they'd turned to love-making because, in truth, Gaara had been yearning for such attention a while, but had been too afraid to return to Lee or potentially ruin things with Naruto.

At first, Naruto apologized, but when he found out Gaara had gone to Lee and made love with him, he was jealous and angry, and no one could blame him. Gaara realized painfully that when he was with Naruto he missed Lee, but with Lee, he missed Naruto, despite how confusing Naruto could be.

Lee never could stand to see Gaara in pain, so he made Naruto sit down and talk with him and they decided what to do.

When they came to Gaara later and explained what they had decided, the relief was clear in his eyes as he hugged and kissed them both. He could have them both. They wouldn't ask whom he loved more, or get jealous, and often the three hung out together much life friends would, except for the tell-tale ways of how Gaara showed his love of them both, and how they showed their love to Gaara.

But a situation like that couldn't last, of course not. Someone was bound to get jealous in the end, to feel shafted or neglected. Gaara didn't understand it all, but it caused so much pain. This love, this feeling that made Naruto so strong, was killing him slowly, killing him with soft touches and gentle words and jealousy hidden beneath the surface that slowly made the touches rough and the words harsh.

He was so literally in the middle of it, surrounded by the two he loved so much whom he knew loved him, whom he knew competed with each other for his attention and fought each other when they thought he wasn't around. Their bodies would press against him when they made love together, all three of them enjoying the act for its own sake, but they two even still competing, and that when he cried when they made love, because there was no peace or relief from the fighting for him even then when there was supposed to be nothing but love, he thought.

Love was such a strange, powerful, inexplicable thing. It was something so sweet and wonderful, something that soothed away pain and healed wounds unlike any concoction Tsunade-sama brewed, but it was also such a deadly game, so easily, so **shockingly** easily made poisonous and dangerous that left scars of its own so deep no salve could heal.

It offered such bliss, but such shattering agony.

It made Gaara begin to wish he had never come to Konoha or met his amours, because this pain was something else altogether. He almost wanted to be alone again and mindless, insane. At least he was ignorant of his pain then. Now he was all too aware.

The power of love was something else. It could give strength when there was none left, but it could destroy a person as easily.

_There's no blood, but it hurts right here_… He would end that – he would fix it. He could stop his sand's protection now. He closed as eyes and he put blood to mark his pain. He'd suffer alone again, until the others joined him in death, if they were to.


End file.
